Out With the Sticker Charts

June 16th, 2010 § 0

I recently, after many months of intending to, watched Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting DVD. I’d heard about, read about, even formed opinions about Kohn before ever watching the lecture or reading the book. I have to say, I was absolutely smitten with his ideas and methods on child-rearing. A lot of what he says is fairly common sense (to me, at least–thanks to the amazing examples of attachment and compassionate parenting at Pasadena Mennonite Church). But given the prevalence of time-out and sticker-chart parenting, he may seem radical to the masses. Even so, Kohn articulates his points so well, it’s easy to imagine ways to apply them to every-day life.

The most fundamental and basic point he makes is that children learn better and more thoroughly (though not necessarily more quickly) about appropriate behavior when we refrain from using the rewards and punishments model of conventional parenting. There are no time-outs, no spankings, no threats (if you don’t stop that I’m going to…), no counting to three (especially by way of 2 1/2, 2 3/4, etc.), no sticker charts, no bribing (eat three more bites and you can have a cookie), no praising. It’s the last one that tends to get most people. It’s the biggest reason Kohn gets labeled “extreme”. I used that descriptor myself before watching the lecture and understanding his premise.

Rewards and punishments, he says, teach a child to think about right and wrong based primarily on narcissism. When we put a child in time out (or apply any type of punishment), we are reinforcing to her that in the future, she should make her decisions about whether or not to do something inappropriate, impolite, or altogether mean based on what will happen to her if she does it. Not only that, but it also teaches her that she can get away with such behavior if only she does it and doesn’t get caught. Conversely, when we reward good, or appropriate behavior with stickers on the wall, extra hugs, even praises such as, “Great job!”, “Good boy!”, and the like, we are reinforcing a similar narcissism–what will I get if I choose to do the right (or better) thing?

Instead, Kohn, argues, children need to be taught that things are right and wrong by their very nature–that we don’t hit our friends, not because we will be forced to leave the park if we do, but because it hurts and makes our friends upset. We want our children to make good choices whether we are there to praise them for it, or not.

This method, claiming to bring up productive, empowered, compassionate, loving, all-around “good” children, sounds daunting, and time-consuming, and brings up parental questions regarding control, order, authority, etc. But I can assure you, dear reader, that though these methods require more patience, more creativity, more of everything you’ve got as a parent, they work to do everything they claim and more.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, there are some parents at my church whose children I have watched grow, who have inspired me as a parent more than they could ever know. One of these families, we even named our second son after (their last name Cameron is his middle name). Another, as I mentioned in my very first post, was my first exposure to the world of alternative parenting, home birthing, healthier eating, etc. Their children are secure, patient, enthusiastic, motivated, trustworthy, and on and on. I knew that when I had children, I wanted them to turn out like theirs. And so I observed. I quietly took mental notes, watching their parenting styles, listening to their interactions. And though none of them ever mentioned Alfie Kohn, their styles and methods reflected his. And so while I only just recently watched his lecture, I am ever so grateful that I already knew much of what he described.

Even still, parenting this way is tough. The goals are different–so much more ethereal. When parenting with rewards and punishments, one can more easily assess whether or not the child is “getting it”. Are there 2 stickers on the sticker chart, or 25? Does the child spend a lot of time in the corner? This is the part that creates some anxiety in parents. Relinquishing some of the control, or appearance of control, is tough in a culture where a child is considered “good” if he doesn’t act like a child (that is, run, jump, yell, touch, look, ask, try, etc.). But if you give it a try, you will be pleasantly surprised.

Please leave a comment with your adventures in Unconditional Parenting.

Elderberries Keep Flu (including H1N1) at Bay

February 1st, 2010 § 3

For the last few years, I have been able to keep roughly 90% of my colds/influenzas away by taking elderberry extract. It seems like a miracle-cure, almost too good to be true, and therefore I can’t believe more people don’t know about it.

To be effective, elderberry extract must be taken regularly and must be started with the onset of symptoms–before you feel terrible. It works by boosting the immune system with its extremely high levels of antioxidants (flavinoids), by reducing inflammation with its anthocyanins, and by somehow binding to the virus to keep it from attacking the body–or so it seems. It is still unclear how/if it actually does this, but that does seem to be what the evidence shows. There is a multitude of articles on “green” or “holistic” blogs and websites describing the benefits of using elderberry extract (find them by doing a simple web search), but for the sake of credibility, I thought this 2003 article from the very mainstream WebMD touting the berry’s power would be most convincing–even though the language in the article is cautionary. The most incredible part of the article is the statement, “Nearly 90% of patients had complete cure within two to three days.” This compares to the group that received a placebo where the earliest recovery took 6 days.

More recently, though, a study out of Israel published in July 2009 suggests that elderberry extract can inhibit the H1N1 virus and compares favorably to Tamiflu® but without any side-effects.

There are a number of elderberry preparations available today. Most have a strange flavor that takes some getting used to. In our home, the favored brand is Nature’s Way. It tastes great and has been extremely effective for us. It is available at Whole Foods and Grassroots Natural Market in South Pasadena. I imagine it is available at other health-food stores, but I haven’t checked.

Prepared elderberry extract can be expensive–especially if the whole family is taking it. The recommended dosage is 1 teaspoon every 4 hours if you know you’ve been exposed to a cold or flu, or if you start to notice symptoms. In our home, if one of us gets sick, we all start taking elderberry extract to avoid passing it around. We all usually still get a mild case of whatever is going around–sniffles, a tickle in the throat–but none of us has ever been laid out while taking it.

Due to the high cost of the extract, and our pure belief in its effectiveness, we’ve decided to try making it ourselves. I purchased dried elderberries through the Frontier buying co-op I belong to through the Holistic Moms Network, and made a batch according to the following instructions. I gave it to my parents and siblings since they were battling an illness at the time. I’ve yet to try it out for myself. I can say, though, that the recipe is delicious!

Note: For more excellent information about elderberries, and another excellent (more thorough) recipe, click here.

Say, “NO!” to Industrial Farmed Meat!

January 3rd, 2010 § 1

If you can, that is. I realize that for some people, voting with their dollar is impossible. It is certainly more important for a mother to provide food for her family than to starve them to prove a point. But for most of us, it is possible to make at least a few changes in how we spend our money.

I just finished watching “Food, Inc.”, and I was disgusted. I was actually, physically nauseous. And I already knew most of the information presented in the film. But I need to be reminded on a regular basis why I make the choices I do. When I get lazy and start to compromise, I need films like this and books like Barbara Kingsolver’s “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle” to keep me motivated to spend more money, more time, and more energy in shopping for and preparing food for my family.

But the real battle for me isn’t food prepared at home. Just like anyone on a special diet, it’s figuring out how to eat when out that is the real challenge. Some friends of mine have chosen to eat vegetarian diets–especially when the source of the meat is in question–and I am considering whether or not this choice is feasible for me. It is something I have attempted before and failed. But I have noticed that each time I come back to some decision like this, it is easier to stick to the next time around. And I am presently feeling very dedicated.

What’s so bad about industrial farmed meat? I don’t intend to go into all the nitty gritty here in this particular blog–Food, Inc. does a much better job than I could do–but here is a brief explanation of a few things that are especially bothersome to me. On industrial farms, animals are primarily fed non-organic, genetically modified corn and soy-based feeds and treated with antibiotics. The problem with such feed is that it is not a natural diet for these animals, and therefore, they cannot process it correctly. It makes them grow too big and too fast (so that their legs buckle under their own weight) and it makes them ill (so they require antibiotics). Another problem is that because corn and soy are pesticide-heavy crops and pesticides accumulate in fatty tissue and corn and soy make the animals extra-fatty (think well-marbled steak), consuming such meat means you are consuming an extra dose of pesticides.

On industrial farms, animals are confined in enclosures, often shoulder-to-shoulder with other animals. Because of the tight conditions, the animals are sometimes knee-deep in feces, making E. coli and salmonella contamination more likely. And because there is so much feces in a confined space, and the animals are often falling under their own weight, feces sticks to their legs and bellies.  The animals and their feces then make their way to the slaughterhouse floor where the meat–especially the scraps that go on to be made into ground beef–are contaminated.

Because of this contamination, one company, Beef Products Inc., began treating these scraps with ammonia to kill the bacteria. Yes. Ammonia. Fast-food chains such as McDonalds, and Burger King, as well as grocery chains and school lunch programs use this ammonia-treated beef. And now, as a recent New York Times article suggests, studies are showing that the process might not be working after all.

So in my home, despite the cost, we are already committed to buying free-range meat and poultry and grass-fed beef. Chicken breasts are smaller, beef is leaner and tastes more “earthy”, but it is our normal. The higher nutritional value in meat from animals raised on a natural diet and who are free to roam (higher in omega 3 fatty acids, less fat) is worth the price tag. When out, however, we tend to throw caution to the wind and eat whatever suits our tastes at the moment. This will be my first (big) step forward in quite awhile, and it is one I have been meaning to take for some time.

One Step Forward…

December 19th, 2009 § 0

…Two Steps Back.

I feel so overwhelmed with everything right now it seems as though I’ve taken five steps back. And I’m not entirely sure I’ve taken one step forward for awhile. The holistic journey is a tough one. Even within the holistic community, there are differing views about everything–how to eat, what to buy, what kind of doctor to see. It feels like too much sometimes.

So I’ve taken my oldest son, Daniel, to In N Out for lunch twice this month. And I put two pieces of chocolate in each cubby of his Advent calendar. And I’ve been using paper towels again. And because I got out of the habit of cleaning the toilets every Friday, I had to use bleach to clean them. And there’s more. But lest this turns into a confessional of all my non-holistic sins, I will leave it there.

I hope that I will feel some renewal in the new year. My in-laws are taking us all on a winter vacation in BC, Canada in January. I hope that the rest and help that come from being all together as a big family will provide me with some space to breathe and recoup.

Change the Margins

October 20th, 2009 § 1

A couple years ago, I heard about a campaign to change the margins from the Microsoft default of 1″ on the top and bottom and 1.25″ on the left and right to 0.75″ on all sides. According to the campaign’s website, the potential paper savings is pretty impressive–saving up to 6,156,000 trees per year. Not only can changing the margins save paper, but it can save energy and water as well. Check out the statistics page for all the numbers.

Being a designer, I always hated it when there were only a few lines on the last page of a paper I was writing, or a single word in the last line of a paragraph. I often fiddled with the margins (and the leading and the kerning as well) in order to keep my text looking neat and tidy.

I wish I had thought more about my paper waste back when I was wasting so much of it with all the theology and philosophy papers I wrote (and rewrote) as an undergrad. Imagine if just a few major universities adopted the smaller margins as their standard. If such a change caused each student to save just one piece of paper per class, imagine how quickly the savings would add up!

I challenge you to change your margins. It’s easy!

If you use Microsoft Word 2003, follow these steps. If you use Microsoft 2007, click here for a step-by-step guide on changing the margins.

Open Microsoft Word. Go to FILE, then PAGE SET UP.

On the MARGINS tab, type 0.75 for the top, bottom, left and right margins. If you click OK, this will change the margins for the current document only. To change the margins for all future documents as well, click on the DEFAULT button on the bottom left. You will be asked “Do you want to change the default settings for the page set up? This change will affect all new documents based on the normal template.” Click YES.

Please let me know when you’ve changed your margins. And tell everyone you know to do the same.

Shopping With the In-Laws

October 8th, 2009 § 0

My in-laws vacation a lot. Growing up we vacationed very little, and when we did, it was usually a road trip to visit relatives whose homes we stayed in. Not so with the in-laws. Because of their recent time-share purchase, we have stayed in condos together a few times this year. This is the ideal way to vacation, in my opinion–especially with small children. Going out to eat is fun, and I’m glad to do it on occasion, but it’s so much easier to eat in when you have two munchkins.

Shopping for food has been interesting, to say the least. In years past, I haven’t thought much about the start-of-the-week grocery store trip. We (my husband, his two siblings, and I) would walk through the aisles grabbing whatever snacks and treats tempted us, without having to look at prices or labels (we sound like 8-year-olds, but I assure you, we’re all adults!). It was a lot of fun. But now that I am more food-conscious, the shopping trip is more complex.

Let me back up and say that my in-laws are not very holistic, but they are supportive of me and my choices and they listen when I talk about whatever new thing I’ve learned. My mother-in-law has been on her own health journey for awhile now, too, and it’s exciting that our journeys have begun to overlap some. But my father-in-law still seems to prefer his own ways.

He was the one I went grocery shopping with in August when we vacationed in Newport. At the meat counter, he spotted a package of organic free-range chicken breasts and picked it up–I assume, as an act of kindness toward his daughter-in-law. But then he saw the price. Organic free-range meat is much more expensive than factory farmed meat, to be sure. I don’t think he was prepared for that. He confessed later that he had been unable to pay so much for a product he could get for so much less.

On our most recent vacation in Palm Springs (where the temperatures soard to 116 degrees!), we found ourselves again at the grocery store together. This time, there were no awkward encounters with dead animals, but I found myself feeling extremely self-conscious when reaching for the organic package of cheese when the regular package and it’s nice low price sat staring longingly at my father-in-law. Then when we were choosing a loaf of bread, my mother-in-law chose a loaf that had lots of preservatives in it. She graciously offered to let me pick the loaf. But then I found myself feeling that awkward feeling again.

I should clarify that my in-laws don’t make me feel awkward. I make myself feel awkward. They are the most gracious, accommodating people, and go out of their way to make me feel comfortable. But nonetheless, I still found myself embarrassed that I couldn’t hide my discomfort with the items they were choosing.

On the Holistic Moms Network national email loop, moms are often distressed about parents or in-laws not respecting them and their efforts to feed their families a certain way. I have oodles of respect from my in-laws, but I have trouble accepting it. I guess I’m afraid of them rolling their eyes behind my back, or feeling frustrated having to accommodate my almost-always more expensive choices. Or, more importantly, I’m afraid they think I am judging them. (If you are reading this, be assured that I’m not!)

I suppose if I were contributing to the cost of the trip my preferances and choices wouldn’t make me as self-conscious. The hardest part of eating organic and free-range is eating with other people–especially when those other people are paying.

Real Food Please

September 23rd, 2009 § 0

In the holistic community there is a plethora of ideas about which diet is ideal for optimal health. I have dabbled a little in several, but have yet to adhere to any specific way of eating. I am really looking forward to the series of lectures we have lined up at the Holistic Moms Network in 2010 on nutrition. I hope to begin to figure out in which direction I’d like to take our eating habits. And I’ll be sure to share what I learn at each lecture.

Currently, the choices I’ve made with regards to food include eating foods as close to their natural state as possible. Let me clarify by saying I don’t mean that I am a raw foodie (though I would like to incorporate more raw foods into my diet), but that if I buy a container of half and half, I want the ingredient list to be cream and milk. I was dismayed to discover that many brands of half and half (specifically non- and low-fat versions) have rather long ingredient lists. Here is the ingredient list for one popular brand: nonfat milk, milk, corn syrup solids, artificial color, sugar, dipotassium phosphate, sodium citrate, mono and diglycerides, carageenan, natural and artificial flavors, vitamin A palmitate. Blech!

Sea's Gift Seaweed SnackPackaged snacks have been the most difficult to find without a long list of unpronounceable ingredients. But I have found several items that I buy regularly. My current addiction is Sea’s Gift Roasted Seaweed Snack. My only complaint about it is that it is overly packaged. But it satisfies my cravings for a crunchy, salty snack while delivering only 25 calories, 1 gram of fat, 2 grams of protein, 35% of my vitamin A and 20% of my vitamin C. And there are only 3 ingredients: seaweed, sesame oil and sea salt. I know similar products exist in Asian supermarkets with less packaging, and I fully intend to take myself on a field trip to pick some up.

Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips by Food Should Taste Good

I have also fallen in love with Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips from Food Should Taste Good. The ingredient list? Stone ground corn, high oleic sunflower oil and/or safflower oil, sweet potato, corn bran, evaporated cane juice, and sea salt. I have yet to try any of their other snacks, but they all sound wonderful. I think my next purchase will be the Potato & Chive Tortilla Chips.

I bake a lot as well to satisfy my sweet tooth (that I only acquired since having children)–almost always substituting Sucanat, honey or agave nectar (though I’m learning that many brands of agave are highly processed) for both white and brown sugars, and always reducing the amount of sugar called for in a recipe. I also almost always substitute at least a portion of the white flour with whole wheat, oat, or rice flour. And instead of milk or semi-sweet chocolate chips, I use bittersweet chocolate chunks.

I have this dream that someday when I find the motivation (maybe once I regularly get enough sleep) I’ll make everything we eat in our home from scratch–breads, sauces, snacks, pasta, etc. From the little I know about nutrition, it’s not the low-fat or low-sugar or low-carb diet that’s best, it’s the fresh and whole diet that will add years to our lives. That means whole (raw) milk, whole (soaked) grains, free-range (organic, grass-fed) meats, fresh (organic) nuts, fruits and vegetables, with no preservatives, additives, enhancers, etc.

While I can’t make everything from scratch right now, and there are still those brands and items I haven’t figured out how to replace or give up, I am on a trajectory toward better nutrition and health.

How It Began

September 17th, 2009 § 0

When I moved to the LA area for college, I began attending a local church whose ways seemed different than any I had experienced before. Mothers breastfed their children in the pews, potlucks consisted of healthy choices–including clearly-labeled vegetarian options, and not much make-up was worn. It was refreshing. But back then, even though I felt like I ‘belonged’ there, I still had a long road ahead of me.

I began babysitting for one particular family whose daughter was a toddler. When they interviewed me, they took me on a tour of their home and explained a bit about their parenting style. The child was only allowed to watch 10 minutes of TV per day, she was given choices about nearly everything, and she still slept in her parents’ bedroom. I really thought this family was wacky and I struggled a bit figuring out how to interact with such an empowered and secure child.

As I spent more time at the church, getting to know more people, I discovered that many of the families in attendance parented in this same manner. On one defining Sunday, the Adult Education hour was dedicated to parenting based on the books by the Doctors Sears (The Baby Book, The Attachment Parenting Book, The Breastfeeding Book, to name a few). Having never heard of these doctors or their books, my curiosity was piqued and I began to research. I was finally able to understand and started to internalize what I had witnessed with the family I was babysitting for. The children growing up in that family and the others in my congregation were imaginative, caring, adventurous, and much like I imagined my own future children to be.

When I did marry and have children several years later, my holistic journey had already begun to accellerate. By that time, it was a no-brainer that we would co-sleep, breasfeed and eat healthily. It did seem, however, that I was beginning to surpass many of my initial teachers. I not only wanted to cloth diaper, but to use Elimination Communication–essentially beginning toilet training in infancy. I not only wanted a natural birth, but a homebirth. I not only wanted to find a doctor who was open to delayed/selective vaccinations, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, etc., but one who encouraged these things.

Now my journey consists of learning more about food–growing it, buying it, preparing it, using it medicinally, etc. While I can now easily say that attachment parenting comes completely naturally to me, I am still having to make a conscious effort to make the right food choices for myself and my family. Our most current work-in-progress? Juicing greens and veggies at least twice/week.

Foundations

September 13th, 2009 § 2

Over the last eight years or so I’ve undertaken the slow and steady task of becoming more holistically minded. I suppose my upbringing was where my holistic journey really began, but the ways were subtle and did more to shape my way of thinking than to lend me many specific practices.

My mother is a product of a rough upbringing. She is one of those who chose to make the best of life–using her experiences to help others–rather than wallow in the bitterness and anger she certainly must have experienced. She is independent, freethinking and always encouraged me that I could do whatever I put my mind to. When she married just two months shy of my eighth birthday, she had already firmly established herself in a high-paced career despite being a single parent. She later birthed my siblings, at first determined to do it without the use of hospital interventions or drugs–even choosing to deliver at the hospital’s birth center. But due to their stubbornness to come out, both my brother and my sister’s births were induced which began the spiral of interventions and she ended up delivering both with epidural anesthesia. Still, she breastfed them both for about a year and a half–longer than most were doing at the time. And although she chose disposable diapers, she did use cloth wipes.

I have taken each of these decisions a step (or two) further than my mother did–birthing my children with midwives at home,  breastfeeding much longer, and exclusively using cloth diapers while also practicing EC (Elimination Communication)–and have made many other changes in our lives that lead us toward better health in mind, body and spirit.

My mother has laid the foundation for me to be in the place that I am now. And while she doesn’t agree with all of my choices, I know she is proud that I am seeking the best for my family–and doing it in a bold way. Won’t you join me as I share my journey and all that I have learned–and continue learning–in this public forum?