I recently, after many months of intending to, watched Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting DVD. I’d heard about, read about, even formed opinions about Kohn before ever watching the lecture or reading the book. I have to say, I was absolutely smitten with his ideas and methods on child-rearing. A lot of what he says is fairly common sense (to me, at least–thanks to the amazing examples of attachment and compassionate parenting at Pasadena Mennonite Church). But given the prevalence of time-out and sticker-chart parenting, he may seem radical to the masses. Even so, Kohn articulates his points so well, it’s easy to imagine ways to apply them to every-day life.
The most fundamental and basic point he makes is that children learn better and more thoroughly (though not necessarily more quickly) about appropriate behavior when we refrain from using the rewards and punishments model of conventional parenting. There are no time-outs, no spankings, no threats (if you don’t stop that I’m going to…), no counting to three (especially by way of 2 1/2, 2 3/4, etc.), no sticker charts, no bribing (eat three more bites and you can have a cookie), no praising. It’s the last one that tends to get most people. It’s the biggest reason Kohn gets labeled “extreme”. I used that descriptor myself before watching the lecture and understanding his premise.
Rewards and punishments, he says, teach a child to think about right and wrong based primarily on narcissism. When we put a child in time out (or apply any type of punishment), we are reinforcing to her that in the future, she should make her decisions about whether or not to do something inappropriate, impolite, or altogether mean based on what will happen to her if she does it. Not only that, but it also teaches her that she can get away with such behavior if only she does it and doesn’t get caught. Conversely, when we reward good, or appropriate behavior with stickers on the wall, extra hugs, even praises such as, “Great job!”, “Good boy!”, and the like, we are reinforcing a similar narcissism–what will I get if I choose to do the right (or better) thing?
Instead, Kohn, argues, children need to be taught that things are right and wrong by their very nature–that we don’t hit our friends, not because we will be forced to leave the park if we do, but because it hurts and makes our friends upset. We want our children to make good choices whether we are there to praise them for it, or not.
This method, claiming to bring up productive, empowered, compassionate, loving, all-around “good” children, sounds daunting, and time-consuming, and brings up parental questions regarding control, order, authority, etc. But I can assure you, dear reader, that though these methods require more patience, more creativity, more of everything you’ve got as a parent, they work to do everything they claim and more.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, there are some parents at my church whose children I have watched grow, who have inspired me as a parent more than they could ever know. One of these families, we even named our second son after (their last name Cameron is his middle name). Another, as I mentioned in my very first post, was my first exposure to the world of alternative parenting, home birthing, healthier eating, etc. Their children are secure, patient, enthusiastic, motivated, trustworthy, and on and on. I knew that when I had children, I wanted them to turn out like theirs. And so I observed. I quietly took mental notes, watching their parenting styles, listening to their interactions. And though none of them ever mentioned Alfie Kohn, their styles and methods reflected his. And so while I only just recently watched his lecture, I am ever so grateful that I already knew much of what he described.
Even still, parenting this way is tough. The goals are different–so much more ethereal. When parenting with rewards and punishments, one can more easily assess whether or not the child is “getting it”. Are there 2 stickers on the sticker chart, or 25? Does the child spend a lot of time in the corner? This is the part that creates some anxiety in parents. Relinquishing some of the control, or appearance of control, is tough in a culture where a child is considered “good” if he doesn’t act like a child (that is, run, jump, yell, touch, look, ask, try, etc.). But if you give it a try, you will be pleasantly surprised.
Please leave a comment with your adventures in Unconditional Parenting.